This is always a hard one: A loved one is sick, is in the hospital, and your mind is definitely not on the work in front of you.
How do you stay centered then? Impossible, right?
Well, it's not easy, I'll say that. A few years ago when my father was in the hospital, I didn't deal with it very well. I threw myself into work and barely acknowledged the pain I and the rest of my family was feeling. I was incredibly prolific, and I think I expected that accomplishment to blot out my fear, sadness and worry--to give me the serenity that I didn't have already.
Of course it didn't. All it did was make me feel guilty for not being there with my family.
I do think it's possible, however, to find a middle ground, but we have to look hard for it. This is not a culture that encourages moderation, and so I looked at it as extremes: Either I spend all my time with my family and fall into a deep depression (that was my fear, but yours may vary) or I completely ignore all my feelings and become super concentrated on work through the use of various numbing agents. My favorite at the time were coffee, Diet Coke, massive quantities of chocolate bars and giant slices of pizza the size of my head.
Today, I deal with personal crises a little different. Here's what I try to remember:
Welcome to my bad day
There's no getting around it (except through the use of the aforementioned drugs of choice). You're gonna have a bad day. Maybe lots of them. Maybe you'll start your day crying and end it the same way. Maybe you'll be embarrassed and ashamed and worried that work is suffering because you don't feel okay.
But worrying about it is not the same thing as that being true. What is true is that you don't have the same energy you did before for work. That's okay. Being aware of your limits is far better for you and your clients than denying them.
Lean in to your support system
I don't just mean family. At a time like this, you need people to lean on who have no emotional investment in the current crisis. You need friends and loved ones who can give you five minutes of love and support. And for your business's sake, you need to call in your work support system. Ask them:
* How do they cope with crises on work time?
* How much should you tell your clients and how did you phrase it?
* How long did it take before you got back to full speed?
* Did you feel ashamed, guilty and scared that you're business would never recover if you weren't at full capacity at all times?
That last question is perhaps the hardest to ask, but as therapist William Horstman told me for a story on how people shut down when they're under stress, most of our first instincts are to isolate. But the best thing we can do is invite other trusted business people into our world and ask for help.
(Caveat: the key word here is "trusted." This is not a conversation for just any coworker. It needs to be someone who's not competitive, not a gossip and who knows you pretty well.)
Meditate
A good friend often tells me when I'm under stress, "You should meditate every day, except when you're stressed. Then, you should meditate twice a day."
Don't meditate regularly? Well, then starting now will be an extra treat. You won't believe how much better you'll feel.
And you don't have to do it alone. There are plenty of CDs on meditation and if you bring your laptop to the hospital, you can even do a short guided meditation distributed by some Web sites.
If you can just sit for five minutes and breath, you'll recover faster from your family crisis and be more centered.
ANd finally, remember to have faith. If you work hard at your business, you've created a network of clients who know your value. Think and write about how to approach them and then keep them updated as you ease back into work. They're people, after all. They want to help and are looking forward to you being back at full speed because I'm sure you can help them.
Showing posts with label balance. Show all posts
Showing posts with label balance. Show all posts
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Monday, February 25, 2008
Serenity Tip: Radio Silence
Recently, several self-employed people have told me that the biggest block to their serenity during the day is compulsive checking of email.
Boy, do I hear you. I love the little "ding!" of my email program to tell me that something new has arrived. Whether it's a coupon from Staples or an email offering me work, I seem to have the same Pavlovian response. And boy does it make it hard for me to complete tasks.
The worst is when I get an email that unnerves me or angers me in some way--and then I'm off and running, and the smooth progression of my day grinds to a halt.
But I had an inspiration on Friday that I thought I'd share.
I've heard several people say that it's OK to turn off your email while you're hard at work. I've also heard people say it's okay to relegate your email time to a certain part of the day, but I've never been able to do it. Like I said, there's something gratifying and compulsive about that little ding.
On Friday, though, I was on deadline with two stories. Needless to say, I didn't have a lot of time for that kind of compulsivity. So when I meditated that morning, a gentle thought drifted into my mind. For some reason, I was willing to listen to it.
I set up the away message on my email for three hours--just till noon--saying that I was on deadline and would not check email until after that time. I urged them, if it was an emergency, to call me.
And guess what? No one called. No crisis broke out that I had to deal with.
Something about setting the away message on my email made me comfortable clicking off the email program. I think I often feel scared to turn it off because I'm afraid clients will think that I'm not responsive enough. And in this world on immediate accessiblity 24 hours a day, we have to work very hard to not be available, and there's a strange pressure to never set any boundaries around communication. But to do so is also to keep ourselves chained to others' needs instead of acting on our own.
It's not selfish, though. When I turned off my email, I was doing it so I could give my full attention to my client's project. It was the furthest thing from selfish. It was completely professional.
At the same time, I also turned off the ringer on my office phone so I could work without distractions. I turned off my Web browser also, except for things I needed for work.
In two short hours, I had written both stories. And I had done so calmly and happily.
It doesn't have to be a struggle. Others will understand if we give them a chance.
Does this answer your question? If not, fill me in on what I've missed and I'll answer that, too.
Boy, do I hear you. I love the little "ding!" of my email program to tell me that something new has arrived. Whether it's a coupon from Staples or an email offering me work, I seem to have the same Pavlovian response. And boy does it make it hard for me to complete tasks.
The worst is when I get an email that unnerves me or angers me in some way--and then I'm off and running, and the smooth progression of my day grinds to a halt.
But I had an inspiration on Friday that I thought I'd share.
I've heard several people say that it's OK to turn off your email while you're hard at work. I've also heard people say it's okay to relegate your email time to a certain part of the day, but I've never been able to do it. Like I said, there's something gratifying and compulsive about that little ding.
On Friday, though, I was on deadline with two stories. Needless to say, I didn't have a lot of time for that kind of compulsivity. So when I meditated that morning, a gentle thought drifted into my mind. For some reason, I was willing to listen to it.
I set up the away message on my email for three hours--just till noon--saying that I was on deadline and would not check email until after that time. I urged them, if it was an emergency, to call me.
And guess what? No one called. No crisis broke out that I had to deal with.
Something about setting the away message on my email made me comfortable clicking off the email program. I think I often feel scared to turn it off because I'm afraid clients will think that I'm not responsive enough. And in this world on immediate accessiblity 24 hours a day, we have to work very hard to not be available, and there's a strange pressure to never set any boundaries around communication. But to do so is also to keep ourselves chained to others' needs instead of acting on our own.
It's not selfish, though. When I turned off my email, I was doing it so I could give my full attention to my client's project. It was the furthest thing from selfish. It was completely professional.
At the same time, I also turned off the ringer on my office phone so I could work without distractions. I turned off my Web browser also, except for things I needed for work.
In two short hours, I had written both stories. And I had done so calmly and happily.
It doesn't have to be a struggle. Others will understand if we give them a chance.
Does this answer your question? If not, fill me in on what I've missed and I'll answer that, too.
Monday, February 18, 2008
Serenity Tip: Managing Cashflow
The biggest shock to my system when I started freelancing more than two and a half years ago was the weeks between checks. I couldn't believe it. How would I survive!
This continues to be a big struggle for most self-employed people--and figuring out a sane way to handle it also means finding a way towards serenity with something that's far from serene. When it works, though, you have the stability and serenity to know that your business will support you even when the cash isn't flowing.
The number one change I made was to stop using credit cards.
I think I've mentioned this in this space before. For me, as a nascent freelancer, managing a high debt load wasn't a good business risk. Sure, I have plenty of experience running up credit card debt. I bought sweaters in college that are probably still the most expensive garments I've ever owned because of the sheer amount of interest I paid for them. But I didn't want to do that to myself this time.
So I set up a system where I borrow from myself instead of friends, family or Mastercard.
Here's how it works:
1. Aim to bring in more money than you need to live on every month.
I know, when you're just starting out, paying your bills can be a radical concept. But just aim for it.
2. When you have additional income, split it 50-40-10.
That is:
50 percent goes to a "cashflow" account, designed to fill in the holes while you wait for Client X to cough up your cash. Eventually, this account should be able to give you a regular paycheck on the 1st and the 15th of each month. You know, like a job.
40 percent goes to accruals. That can be savings you don't touch. But it can also go towards categories like "vacation," "computer repair," "office equipment," "continuing education," and more. This money should be divided between your personal needs and your professional ones. Don't skimp on personal care with this. Figure out what's most important and put a little money in both. For instance, if you're Christian, how about a "Christmas" category?
10 percent goes to fun. Yes, that's right: frivolous, silly, extravagant fun. Take your sweetie to dinner. Buy yourself those boots. Put fresh flowers in your office every week. Buy that beautiful but unnecessary soft leather binder for your day planner. The point is to reward yourself for earning more money than you need to live on. It's a motivator.
Now, there are lots of ways to do this. I have friends who take 10 percent off the top of everything they bring in and pay it into a savings account or accrual accounts. The idea is to pay themselves first, instead of letting money just pass through them to their creditors.
Do whatever works for you. But remember: That money isn't "extra"--as friends have reminded me. It's absolutely necessary for your business to support you long term.
Enjoy it.
This continues to be a big struggle for most self-employed people--and figuring out a sane way to handle it also means finding a way towards serenity with something that's far from serene. When it works, though, you have the stability and serenity to know that your business will support you even when the cash isn't flowing.
The number one change I made was to stop using credit cards.
I think I've mentioned this in this space before. For me, as a nascent freelancer, managing a high debt load wasn't a good business risk. Sure, I have plenty of experience running up credit card debt. I bought sweaters in college that are probably still the most expensive garments I've ever owned because of the sheer amount of interest I paid for them. But I didn't want to do that to myself this time.
So I set up a system where I borrow from myself instead of friends, family or Mastercard.
Here's how it works:
1. Aim to bring in more money than you need to live on every month.
I know, when you're just starting out, paying your bills can be a radical concept. But just aim for it.
2. When you have additional income, split it 50-40-10.
That is:
50 percent goes to a "cashflow" account, designed to fill in the holes while you wait for Client X to cough up your cash. Eventually, this account should be able to give you a regular paycheck on the 1st and the 15th of each month. You know, like a job.
40 percent goes to accruals. That can be savings you don't touch. But it can also go towards categories like "vacation," "computer repair," "office equipment," "continuing education," and more. This money should be divided between your personal needs and your professional ones. Don't skimp on personal care with this. Figure out what's most important and put a little money in both. For instance, if you're Christian, how about a "Christmas" category?
10 percent goes to fun. Yes, that's right: frivolous, silly, extravagant fun. Take your sweetie to dinner. Buy yourself those boots. Put fresh flowers in your office every week. Buy that beautiful but unnecessary soft leather binder for your day planner. The point is to reward yourself for earning more money than you need to live on. It's a motivator.
Now, there are lots of ways to do this. I have friends who take 10 percent off the top of everything they bring in and pay it into a savings account or accrual accounts. The idea is to pay themselves first, instead of letting money just pass through them to their creditors.
Do whatever works for you. But remember: That money isn't "extra"--as friends have reminded me. It's absolutely necessary for your business to support you long term.
Enjoy it.
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Where's your willingness?
I've been thinking a lot about willingness lately. What I mean is this: There are things we value and things we do. Willingness is where those two overlap.
So, I can say I'm willing to have a serene business, but if I then work 20 hours a day, then what I'm showing with my actions is that I'm really willing to put work before serenity.
Conversely, if I say work is the most important thing in my life today, and I spend the day goofing off at the computer, then my willingness to live that isn't all there.
So look at your to-do list today and ask yourself if it reflects your values:
* Does it include enough time for work?
* Does it include time for family or loved ones?
* Is it a schedule that supports serenity instead of perfectionism?
* Are you allocating time to serenity practices, whatever those may be for you (facials, sports, meditation, anything that calms you is serenity)?
It's a hard list to find balance with and that's exactly where the willingness to have a serene day comes in. Serenity, unfortunately, means choices. So in order not to beat yourself up, you're going to have to privilege one thing over the other. That's okay. What is your most important value for today?
Choose it, and then stick with it.
If, for instance, you value calm but you know you have a confrontation coming with work today, you'll need to set something up with your support system to help you get back to calm before and after the event. And you'll have to set aside time for it.
This is all just a process of getting to know yourself. So for today, don't judge. Just observe. And then ask Whatever You Believe In (even if it's the doorknob) to give you the willingness to live out your value today.
So, I can say I'm willing to have a serene business, but if I then work 20 hours a day, then what I'm showing with my actions is that I'm really willing to put work before serenity.
Conversely, if I say work is the most important thing in my life today, and I spend the day goofing off at the computer, then my willingness to live that isn't all there.
So look at your to-do list today and ask yourself if it reflects your values:
* Does it include enough time for work?
* Does it include time for family or loved ones?
* Is it a schedule that supports serenity instead of perfectionism?
* Are you allocating time to serenity practices, whatever those may be for you (facials, sports, meditation, anything that calms you is serenity)?
It's a hard list to find balance with and that's exactly where the willingness to have a serene day comes in. Serenity, unfortunately, means choices. So in order not to beat yourself up, you're going to have to privilege one thing over the other. That's okay. What is your most important value for today?
Choose it, and then stick with it.
If, for instance, you value calm but you know you have a confrontation coming with work today, you'll need to set something up with your support system to help you get back to calm before and after the event. And you'll have to set aside time for it.
This is all just a process of getting to know yourself. So for today, don't judge. Just observe. And then ask Whatever You Believe In (even if it's the doorknob) to give you the willingness to live out your value today.
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