When you need more help than an accountant or coach can provide

I've written once here before about 12 step programs that can help you if you find your problems with procrastination and other work-related problems were more than you could handle on your own. So during this tough financial time, I asked a member of Business Debtors Anonymous to share her struggles with her writing and how DA has helped. Here's what she had to say:

I had been a writer for many years before I came to DA. I had done quite a bit of magazine work. I'd also sold a novel and a screenplay to good companies, but for money that didn’t begin to compensate for the time.

When I came into DA, I was dealing with the aftermath of an investigative story I published. So much magazine work is a labor of love, and that piece had definitely involved more time than I was compensated for. New information led to a followup story, then even more information came my way.

I was so broke. I had a young daughter, a mom with dementia, etc. I spent many hours and several hundred dollars of my own money trying to pass along my research to periodicals that had investigative staffs that could cope with it.

The work kept going. I, on the other hand, was stressed out, stretched thin, and in Deprivation City. I walked into my first meeting and decided to keep coming.

After I’d been in DA a while, three of us formed a step group. We usually met once a week, for about four years. It went deep. My stated focus was "writing and money." I thought I was going to roll up my sleeves and finally make this thing work. I wrote a new screenplay that I was quite invested in. It wasn’t badly received by my agent, but he said there were some problems with pacing... this and that needed work...

I was wiped out. I couldn't imagine working on it anymore.

I’d always loved writing and wanted to "be a writer." Not just be a writer, but make my living as a writer. Real writing. Serious writing, though some of it was via comedy. I had access to publishers before I ever figured out what I wanted to do. I tended to twist myself and my story ideas into the shape of those publications rather than stop to ask myself what I really wanted to write. My self-esteem depended to some extent on what I could say I was working on, on where and what I was publishing.

As we neared the end of the steps in that mighty fine little group, in a very natural way, I decided to give up writing. I felt enormously relieved.

For income, my PRG suggested that I go through my Rolodex and ask people I felt warmly toward if they had any work I could do. One was a book designer, and she kept me busy for the next few years editing and rewriting privately published books, and writing copy for travel brochures. Neither was the kind of thing my self-image would have tolerated earlier but we had a great time working together and I found that writing the travel stuff loosened me up. I got an hour's pay for an hour's work -- amazing! -- so I only had to work about ten days a month, giving me time for other responsibilities.

My home DA meeting for years has had a monthly visions meditation. Over time things came up in those meditations that in a lovely way spoke to or produced images about writing.

As my daughter got older and I found a good situation for my mom, I more or less started over with writing. For the next couple of years, I went to my writing room every morning, sometimes scribbling whatever occurred to me, sometimes using a book that offered lists of open-ended starters. My mantra was, "Am I having fun? Do I like it?" I didn't show anything to anybody.

At the same time, I developed a really firm habit of not just reading positive material every morning, which I'd done for a long time, but also meditating for twenty minutes, which I'd never been able to do consistently.

After I'd filled three books, I reviewed them for bits I liked, and sometimes fleshed those out. The writing felt much more like whatever it was I'd meant to write all along -- the way writing felt in fourth grade or seventh grade. I'd gathered enough material to go for a long time. Some pieces began to roll themselves into balls, to grow.

Gradually I tiptoed back into allowing input from other people. That part is still hard for me, not to get lost in what other people have to say and abandon my own sense of what I want to do. For quite a while I practiced that -- getting input, backing off, noticing how I was sometimes thrown by it, then correcting my course...

Out of that process have come the makings of six books, which I'm working on. I send pieces out occasionally, but for me, it's better to make my living some other way, so I stay true to myself and my writing. Just for today.

30-Day Economic Stability Challenge: The power of serenity

I'm not a calm person by nature. I like to keep myself in a state of cat-like readiness so I can deal with problems as they come up. There usually aren't enough problems to keep my mind busy, which I think is part of why I enjoy freelancing--at least my fears tend to be real.

That natural nervousness is why I need this challenge. But my serenity practice is what helps me deal with any financial situation, particularly the one I experienced last month when a check from a longtime and cherished client bounced.

My serenity practice usually consists of:

• Eating healthy food;
• Trying to sleep eight hours a night (though I don't always make it);
• Daily 10-20 minutes of mindfulness meditation;
• Daily housecleaning of the mental kind--writing out all my fears and praying to let go of them;
• Regular exercise, including cardio at the gym and yoga; and
• Regular meetings/phone calls with a wide network of other freelancers.

It's a lot of work, but it also pays amazing dividends. I learned this last month, when that check, most of my money for the month, disappeared from my account, leaving me with a negative balance. For one weekend, I had $13.

But I got through it without making it worse. I maintained a positive relationship with my client, I continued to do my work, and I didn't borrow money or use a credit card to get over it. In future posts, I'll explain why that's important for me.

Today, I'll explain how I did it:
I called lots and lots of self-employed colleagues.
There's a place for rage and fear and confusion and hopelessness, but it's not with your clients. I called friends who were Realtors, writers and career coaches. When I had to send a pointed email to my client, I ran it past several more veteran freelancers to make sure it was based in reason, not emotion. I spewed my spleen with my friends and loved ones. I broke down more than once and called friends and colleagues hysterical. But because of my daily serenity work with writing, meditating and yoga, those moments of hysteria were shorter than they've ever been in my life.

I did loving kindness meditation for my client.
I've written about this before, and I know it's the last thing you want to do when you've been wronged despite doing everything right. But the fact is that I just wanted the problem to be solved, and I don't like how I feel when I'm enraged and full of self-pity and self-righteousness. Those aren't feelings I can afford to nurture, so instead I prayed that my client would have everything I wanted for myself. That goes for my bank, too.

I did the paperwork.
When I got the email from my bank saying I had a negative balance, I thought it was a phishing scam. When I realized it was real, I knew just what to do:

• Email my client and ask what happened and for a new check;
• Call the people to whom I'd written checks to see if they had deposited them and if they could hold them. They could. I even called a magazine to whom I'd sent a check and asked them if they could hold it. They couldn't but I tried;
• I called my bank; and
• I transferred funds from other savings accounts to cover myself in the meantime.

I could do all of this because I both knew the checks I had sent and knew where to find their information. Being organized is a godsend in this situation.

I was persistent.
Persistence doesn't just pay off in querying. In a situation like this, willingness to keep showing up for the next piece of bureaucratic monitoring--calling the bank, checking to see when the reissued check would arrive, calling the bank again, visiting the bank--meant the issue got resolved. I did what I could. Then I used my serenity practices to try to let go of the rest.

I exercised.
Even though I was emotionally wrought and just wanted to sleep, I forced myself to keep up my writing, meditating and exercise regimens because I knew they'd help me recover faster. And they did. The writing and exercise helped me express my feelings in constructive ways. The meditating soothed my very frayed nerves. I even added one more meditation practice onto my week for extra care.

I prayed.
I know it sounds hokey (again), but I know in these times to be a self-employed person takes faith. My faith has been shaken by this situation, but I tried to bolster it by practicing gratitude. In my morning writing, after writing about my anger, I focused on the good things I had instead of the things I lacked, and thanked god for them.

Outcome

The result is that my account is flush again, thanks to quick action by my client and my own advocacy with my bank. I also stayed on track with my other clients, kept querying for more work, completed the last blog challenge and continued to meet with friends. I didn't do any of this perfectly, of course, and I definitely felt the need for more sleep. My nerves are still a little shot and I need a day off. But it could have been worse, and I could be feeling much worse now--still resentful, self-righteous and completely distracted from what my clients need from me.

And the best part is that I could see how much support I really have, how strong I've become and learned how much i really know about managing my business.

How do you cope with economic crises?

Photo by zieak.

Serenity Tools for the Recession: Metta to the rescue

If you listen to news reports, you know the gloomy--even terrifying--financial predictions for the year: It'll get worse before it gets better; the economy won't rebound till 2010 at the earliest; blah blah blah. It's enough to make a self-employed individual hide under her low-overhead desk. But I'm a pragmatist, and if I want to keep my mind clear and focused on work--and motivated to market--I need tools. My tools, it just so happen, are of the yogic variety. This is an occasional series of tips and tools for maintaining calm and serenity despite economic forecasts. Have a tip of your own? Comment below.

Here's a sign of the economic times: You're waiting for a check. You got a particularly heinous set of edits. Or, you're trying to cram 2000 words into an 800-wordcount story. How do those feel in your body? I don't know about you, but I harden myself. I steel myself for confrontation.

That's why Metta practice is so important.

Metta is a form of guided meditation designed specifically to soften your heart.

Now, for you more practical types, this may sound too namby-pamby for you. But I challenge you: Visit Lisa Dale Miller's Web site and download her 20-minute Metta meditations for beginners.

There are lots of places you can learn loving-kindness meditation, but I found these in iTunes' podcast search, and I like them because they're free, easy to follow, and her voice is relaxing and melodic. Plus, she encourages you to pile up a bunch of pillows on your bed and relax during meditation.

There are two Metta meditations Miller offers:

• One that opens your heart to someone you love unconditionally, as well as to yourself.
• One that opens your heart to someone about whom you have neutral feelings, as well as someone with whom you may have conflicts.

Can you see where I'm going with this?

It's not that that publisher who hasn't paid you doesn't deserve your ire--but you deserve freedom from rage and the blocked energy that comes with it. With a soft heart, you may find yourself more flexible, more able to focus on what you can control and, by extension, more serene.

Who knows: Your marketing to increase, your ease around contacting your editor, her publisher or an attorney to get easier. That's what you have control over, and that's what serenity is all about.

What comforts you?

You may have noticed that it's been more than two months since my last post. In that time, I had to contend with a triple whammy of very unserene things:

* That illness I described? Just today I was told I'm healed. I may still have surgery at the end of the month.
* Someone stole my credit card number and my bank shut down my card without telling me, leading to some rejected monthly expenses that I now have to make up. Now I'm going to start the process of ordering my credit reports to make sure there's nothing fishy on there.
* Our 17-year-old love-muffin kitty passed away rather traumatically in the middle of the night.
* Deadlines continued to come and go throughout. I queried, I networked and I worked on getting better at workflow and time management.

You may be asking, "How do you stay serene amid so many challenges?" The answer, at least according to my experience, is you don't.

You fall apart. And you hang on for dear life to the things that comfort and the things that keep you sane, if not serene.

It turns out that for me, that thing is gardening.

I have idyllic memories of running through my mother's garden as a child, eating strawberries and raspberries off the vine and hiding behind tall, feathery corn stalks in the arid heat of a southern California summer. From the time I put my first bean in a wet napkin and watched it grow into a plant, gardening filled me with hope: transformation, growth and life are all around us if we want it.

So I have lettuce and green beans to eat from my garden and every day I go out and watch the plants for a little bit. I do a little weeding, I sweep up, I water. I watch the basil seeds sprout. I feel hopeful.

What's fallen off is a lot of the more rigid structure I created for my day: I don't do yoga regularly right now, on the advice of my chiropractor, who is trying to correct a stuck s-bone in my pelvis. I don't take a break every hour and stretch right now. I don't turn off the TV at 10 p.m. sharp, and often leave it on till 11 or later to avoid thinking about the grief and stress that's always just under the surface.

What's perhaps most useful is to look at what I stuck with throughout this time. These are the changes that, so far, are sticking. And I think they show that some small changes can make a big difference.

* I still go to the gym two to three three times a week for gentle cardio and some good stretching.
* I still meditate and write about what's stressing me out first thing in the morning. I know meditating twice a day would probably bring me more relief, but when I'm in grief, sitting with my feelings isn't fun and I can only do it in tiny doses.
* I still go through all the emails from yesterday and today first thing in the morning and put them in their own folders. It keeps me up to date and following up on interview schedules.
* I still take the time to make nutritious meals for myself breakfast lunch and dinner. The garden certainly helps with that. I just planted chard and broccoli, and I can't wait for it to be ready in a few months.

I think I stuck with these things because they are very small things I can do to take care of myself when everything around me seems to be falling apart. I don't have the energy for an hour-long yoga practice morning or night right now, but I can spend 10 minutes meditating when I wake up in the morning.

It's the small things that keep me going.

What about you? How do you cope when you're at risk of being overwhelmed?

A Meditation for Letting Go

I'm preparing to send a query this morning to a dream market. For the writers in the audience, the feeling associated with such a task is well known: The panic beforehand, the self-doubt, the obsessive thinking about it (whether it's loving the idea or fearing the response). For non-writers, it's the same as targeting some marketing at a big fish. You feel that it could change your life.

OK, now send the marketing and let it go.

.... Right.

Knowing that today is the day, I started the day with some writing:

* What am I afraid of when I think of sending the query?
* What's also true?

What I found was that I was telling myself all kinds of negative things about my talents and skills--that I shouldn't bother because it won't work anyway. And then I reminded myself of a few key truths:

* I'm powerless over my clients' workflow, cashflow, and other priorities--including whether my story works for them or not.
* Fear is normal before stepping outside your comfort zone.

And then I settled in for morning meditation. Here's the meditation I do every morning, and can be applied to anything in your life--but is especially important when you're getting ready to do marketing:

1. Settle in to your spot. Take several deep breaths, close your eyes and focus your thoughts on the middle distance, the cloudy fantasy world behind your eyes.

2. Now imagine yourself standing someplace serene and open your arms out to the side.

3. Think of the things you need to let go of: This can be the query, that fight you had with your mother-in-law or partner, your ego about another pitch getting rejected. But what I did this morning was envision my query--a single sheet of paper--unfurling from my center (the gut, or solar-plexus chakra, house of your power), unraveling up my chest, down my arm and away from my hand.

4. Keep breathing. As you let it go, take a deep exhale.

5. Imagine it now floating away. Feel what it feels like for it to leave you and for you to have no more control over it. Whatever panic, fear, etc., that comes up, notice it. But let that go, too--as if it were the strings hanging from a kite.

6. Take more deep breaths and keep imagining it till your anxiety response lessens and disappears.

7. Focus on that disappearing query with your mind's eye and fill it with love. Wish it well on its journey.

8. Imagine an unseen force scooping it up and taking it away. It belongs to your higher power now. Let it go. It's being taken care of.

Rinse and repeat. In other words, you may need to do this for up to two weeks before it takes. Letting go is a process not an event. Keep working at it--and then come up with alternative markets for your query, prepare it to go should your dream market foolishly pass on it, and talk talk talk to colleagues about it.

Serenity Tip: Serenity during personal crises

This is always a hard one: A loved one is sick, is in the hospital, and your mind is definitely not on the work in front of you.

How do you stay centered then? Impossible, right?

Well, it's not easy, I'll say that. A few years ago when my father was in the hospital, I didn't deal with it very well. I threw myself into work and barely acknowledged the pain I and the rest of my family was feeling. I was incredibly prolific, and I think I expected that accomplishment to blot out my fear, sadness and worry--to give me the serenity that I didn't have already.

Of course it didn't. All it did was make me feel guilty for not being there with my family.

I do think it's possible, however, to find a middle ground, but we have to look hard for it. This is not a culture that encourages moderation, and so I looked at it as extremes: Either I spend all my time with my family and fall into a deep depression (that was my fear, but yours may vary) or I completely ignore all my feelings and become super concentrated on work through the use of various numbing agents. My favorite at the time were coffee, Diet Coke, massive quantities of chocolate bars and giant slices of pizza the size of my head.

Today, I deal with personal crises a little different. Here's what I try to remember:

Welcome to my bad day

There's no getting around it (except through the use of the aforementioned drugs of choice). You're gonna have a bad day. Maybe lots of them. Maybe you'll start your day crying and end it the same way. Maybe you'll be embarrassed and ashamed and worried that work is suffering because you don't feel okay.

But worrying about it is not the same thing as that being true. What is true is that you don't have the same energy you did before for work. That's okay. Being aware of your limits is far better for you and your clients than denying them.

Lean in to your support system

I don't just mean family. At a time like this, you need people to lean on who have no emotional investment in the current crisis. You need friends and loved ones who can give you five minutes of love and support. And for your business's sake, you need to call in your work support system. Ask them:

* How do they cope with crises on work time?
* How much should you tell your clients and how did you phrase it?
* How long did it take before you got back to full speed?
* Did you feel ashamed, guilty and scared that you're business would never recover if you weren't at full capacity at all times?

That last question is perhaps the hardest to ask, but as therapist William Horstman told me for a story on how people shut down when they're under stress, most of our first instincts are to isolate. But the best thing we can do is invite other trusted business people into our world and ask for help.

(Caveat: the key word here is "trusted." This is not a conversation for just any coworker. It needs to be someone who's not competitive, not a gossip and who knows you pretty well.)

Meditate

A good friend often tells me when I'm under stress, "You should meditate every day, except when you're stressed. Then, you should meditate twice a day."

Don't meditate regularly? Well, then starting now will be an extra treat. You won't believe how much better you'll feel.

And you don't have to do it alone. There are plenty of CDs on meditation and if you bring your laptop to the hospital, you can even do a short guided meditation distributed by some Web sites.

If you can just sit for five minutes and breath, you'll recover faster from your family crisis and be more centered.

ANd finally, remember to have faith. If you work hard at your business, you've created a network of clients who know your value. Think and write about how to approach them and then keep them updated as you ease back into work. They're people, after all. They want to help and are looking forward to you being back at full speed because I'm sure you can help them.

Quick Escapes at Your Computer

If you're fried and procrastinating it could be your brain's plea for a break. So don't just visit snarky Web sites or engage in gossip. Instead, there are some great quick-break meditation sites on the web that can get you to real relaxation and help you get productive again:

The Meditation Room

This site offers two great things: Instructions on how to meditate and also guided meditations via RealPlayer Audio. The only bummer is that if you have a Mac, you won't be able to hear them. (Correct me if I'm wrong.)

Relaxing Image Meditation

I know it sounds like snake oil to say that looking at pretty pictures is anything other than, well, pretty. But research shows that guided imagery can reduce stress, anxiety and depression, as well as blood pressure. This site offers a slideshow of pretty pictures combined with tips on meditation.

Guided Relaxation Audio Files for Anxiety

This site, run by the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill Health Services is a treasure trove of both information for identifying and relieving anxiety and of guided audio files on learning relaxation breathing exercises. These come in both RealAudio files and Mac-compatible MP3 downloads and are only a few minutes long. So squeeze them in between appointments.

Deep Breathing Relaxation Audio Sessions

The University of Wisconsin Madison University Health Center offers 18 different short audio files for deep breathing relaxation. Titles like "breath awareness," "peaceful focus" and "brief muscle relaxation" are supported by voice-over explanations or you can choose fils with only harp or nature sounds to support your relaxation. But maybe avoid the "sleep technique" file until bedtime. You don't want to drift off before that big phone call with a new client.

YouTube

I know. The same site full of snowboarding wipeouts and Asian kids lip syncing to the Backstreet Boys also has a slew of guided imagery and guided meditation videos that can give you a nice break in your day.

Answer: The Letting Go Tool Kit

Recently someone asked a follow up question to my post on The 1 Percent Rule. Namely:

Aside from focusing on the 1%, how do you "hand over all that stuff to the
deity of my choice"?

First, I don't want to discount focusing on that 1 percent. Just like curbing cravings, don't underestimate the power of distraction. Just focusing your attention away from the maddening drone of Things You Can't Control can do wonders.

But once you've done that, I'll add that letting go of the uncontrollable 99 percent of my work and life isn't easy. It's one of the hardest things I do every day--harder even than marketing.

It takes vigilance and awareness, as well as clarity about what's my 1 percent and what's the rest. To wit, the things that help me most:

Meditation

It's often said and I experience regularly: Don't like what you're feeling? Don't worry. It'll pass. That aphorism becomes concrete in meditation or other mindful traditions, like prayer.

Anytime I notice my mind drifting in meditation, I note it and bring myself back, gently, to my breath or to the image on which I'm meditating.

That practice is priceless when I'm simply walking around my office and feeling that tight anxiety of things I can't control. Just like in meditation, I notice when my mind is back to asking Why hasn't that prospective client called/emailed?, for example. Then I notice it, practice detachment and remind myself, "None of my business. Let it go."

I've heard it said that "Why?" is not a spiritual question--but it's still a good one to ask if you're self-employed. If my question is, "Why hasn't that check arrived? It was supposed to be here last week," you better believe that my job is to call the client and inquire. But if the question is "Why isn't she calling me?" I have two choices: I can either call her myself, or I can let it go. I try to do both. I call, and then, no matter the outcome, I accept that I can't make things happen the way I always want and I let it go.

Support

Remember all those people I have in my life to support my business? This is one of the things I use them for. If meditation and mindfulness doesn't work, I call them so I can have someone outside my brain tell me to let it go. Sometimes just by talking to them, and by getting the reassurance that I'm doing everything I can (or by getting a new action step to take), I feel better. I'm back to my 1 percent.

Prayer

At some point, I have to say, those tenacious little worries just aren't going away on their own. That's when I call in the big guns. If I'm suffering something having to do with work--or my personal life--I try to interrupt my anxiety and my obsession by praying to whatever I believe in to have it removed. I will do this as many times as necessary throughout the day if it's really bothering me.

Yoga

It almost always helps if I can get myself out of my mind and into my body. When I'm worrying about something, or ruminating on that 99 percent, I'm almost always shrugging in my shoulders, holding my breath or breathing shallowly or contracting my chest wall. It helps me to go into a pose like legs-up-the-wall pose, fish pose supported by a bolster or blanket under my back, bridge pose or reclining bound angle pose.

Your mileage may vary. For you, it could just be a good run on a treadmill or some quality time with your elliptical machine. Clear your head. And then come back and see if it's any easier to focus on your 1 percent.

A Word about Forgiveness

When things aren't going your way--when a prospective client strings you along only to turn down your marketing efforts, when the computer breaks, when your kids are driving you nuts, when your deadline is approaching and a subcontractor flakes--that's the time when it can feel hardest to practice nongrasping or detachment.

But will you be surprised to hear that that's the time it can benefit you the most?

We cling so hard sometimes to our resentments--hoping that by sheer force of energy those by whom we feel wronged will get a flat tire or develop a dental emergency. But usually all that does is cause our own suffering and keep us from focusing on our 1 percent.

So instead, try something counter intuitive. Forgive them.

I know they're wrong and they should burn in the fiery pits. Forgive them anyway. I know they deserve a voodoo doll full of long, dull and painful pins.

Still forgive them.

Need help? Consider practicing metta, or loving-kindness.

Here's how it works: In the simplest sense, it's wishing good things for those you'd most like to see file bankruptcy (or perhaps just get a really nasty hangnail).

In the traditional Buddhist sense, it's a specific type of meditation in which you pray for specific things for the person you resent. The way I was taught it was to pray the following:

May you be free of pain.
May your body know peace.
May you be filled with loving-kindness.

I think there's a line or two in there I've forgotten since my first yoga teacher introduced me to it years ago.

So here's a more complete loving-kindness prayer, courtesy of YouTube: